I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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