i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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