Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
