Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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