ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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