Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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