I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
