I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
