He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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