i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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