saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
