I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
