I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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