i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?