I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
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underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
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You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone