That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
21 Horny People Confess Their Boldest Sexual Advances
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
29 Shocking Confessions That People Thought Were A Joke
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.