Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
