I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
