i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
