He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
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