What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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