I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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