You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
