I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
