I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
