how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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