My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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