You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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