you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
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I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
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