That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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