We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
