who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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