And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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