im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
How does one acquire holy water?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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