Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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