I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I need to calm my uterus...
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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