I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
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I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
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I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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