im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize