I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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