is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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