i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
