girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
