she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
