peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
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She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
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I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?