I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs