Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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