if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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