Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
