he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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