I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Randomize
