last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
