Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
