the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
