It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
