There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
