Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Randomize
