I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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