I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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